life goals (?)

so, hi hi people :) hehe it's H-11 going back to Jogja and I have a lot to tell you. I don't know where to start (soalnya 11 hari lagi gue ga bakal punya internet cepet yang dapat mengakomodasi terjaminnya isi blog gue ini haha). so, let me start with my goals this year. we haven't meet since forever, which is more than a year, and I haven't told you about my life goals this year. okaay, so last christmas I couldn't go home because I have a lot to do in Jogja. My first goal this year is get a lot of activities that I could do. I want to have a very tight days in my week so I don't have to think about missing home or other useless things. yeah, it's work! last 6 months I've been busy all the time and I can't even have a break just to buy some groceries. pretty busy, huh? I took a lot of responsibilities that made me too busy so I couldn't go out with some of my friends too. that affect my sleeping pattern too. I have little time to sleep and sometimes I have hard time to concentrate in class. I know that's hard for me, but I love being busy, so, I'm happy :) am I? :')

The second goal is I wanna be my truly self. I mean, not that all this time I lied about who I am. but I just feel that I've been hiding in my comfort zone. I think and do things that I think will make me stay in my comfort zone. I just do not want to do that anymore. I'm 20 right now, and I have to act like I'm 20. so I take my responsibilities to show what person I've hide before. you know, I like to lead, I mean I can take a responsibility as a leader. so I took that responsibility. I become a leader of an event. not a big event, but I know this is just like an opening to show what I've got.

Third is I want to be prettier. LOL, but this real. I know that I already told anyone that everyone is beautiful but I want to have my own style to get into it. so, I'm trying to get my eyes on some beauty bloggers and youtubers. I think I'm going to tell you about these girls later :)

And this is my last goal : accept my past. I want to look forward and just look back my past for my good. I want to take my past as a lesson not as a regret. I want to believe that everything in my past have their part to make me as me today. so, here I am, enjoying myself as a teacher wannabe. yess, I'm ready to be a teacher. but not a usual teacher, a rocking teacher that have a busy schedule, accept herself, and mature enough to accept everything happened in her past. Also, I want to be a stylish teacher :) hahaha. I'm getting ready for the next semester! 

1st june, one year ago...

Hey June, what's up? It's been a year. yeah I know.. It's been a year since I made the most horrible mistake I've ever did. a year ago, this morning suppose to be one of the most wonderful morning in my life. I've graduated form high school and this day is my graduation day. I did my make up, did my hair, dressed up and came to my school with a proud that I could survive these exhausting years. And then I took pictures, wore my medals, and here comes the worst part: I was arguing with my mom just because even I've graduated from high school I still didn't know where would I go after high school. I didn't know what to do. I was not accepted in public university, and I was still hurt about that. Music education? It's a dream major for me. I really really really-like reaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllyyyyyyyy- want to go there. Or visual design, another dream major for me which I think I'm not that great for this major. The thing is what should I say if they didn't accept me? And because I was still hurt, I didn't apply to another universities. That thing made my mom upset. She wanted me to at least apply to any university. So I cried and just submitted my application. I missed the after-graduation photoshoot, I even didn't get my yearbook because I got to rush to apply my application. And what I did wrong was the way I chose my major. You all know I'm not happy with my major right now (well a little happy, like 8,9% of 100% and I think the number will raise in time), and why I chose this elementary school teacher education is just because of my mom. I know she was so dissapointed with me and I just want to make her proud. She was a elementary school teacher once, so I know she will be happy if I resuming her stride by do what she ever done. And why I didn't choose the other major is because I think I will be bored. Every other major in college make you study the spesific things about the major itself. I can't stand it if I have to study 'just' english or 'just' math or 'just' physics everyday in my college life =__=" Gawd, I will puked every single day. In this major I will study a lot of things. Like now, I got a fine art course, math course, english course, physics course, physicological course and so much more. I never get bored because we learn so much different things in the whole semester, isn't that great? So, yes.. I'm a lot better now. I can (like a little) accept my destiny that I belong here.
Through this problem, I learned that God always has a better plan. He would never made me sick in the middle of my final examination without any purpose. He would never made me accepted in a private university, not in a public university without any reason. He would never made me chose this damn-but-great major without something for me to learn. So, I'm letting go what happened a year ago. with these tears falling, I'm starting a new step on my life without regrets. my life's great.... every little tiny tiny things makes my life greater!

another great thing to learn is: "If you want something, You'll find a way. If not, You'll find an excuse. A great one." 

when I decided to change my memories

ini sebenernya bermula dari tweet. one of my friend say that she remember something every time she come into a place. gue sih langsung nyeletuk aja tanpa basa basi. tapi yang dia lakukan itu malah lebih frontal. I don't know why but I felt curious. and as that happened I know that someone has removed me as a friend.

just think about this thing:

if something doesn't hurt you or disturb you that much, you won't remove or unfollow someone right? and this is happened to me. so my question is what happened? am I too disturbing to be even a friend in a social media?

at the and of the day, I just think about something that I won't recall that time when I met everyone there. just pretend that I don't even know them. I hope I won't disturb anyone again so other people won't remove me like this.

bad day good day

OMG .. blogger with new view makes me really confused. ckck. anyways.... I had a bad day. I 've got 40 on chemistry. It's the worst day ever! know what? I even had thought about cheating! gosh, thx God I didn't do that! need some rest, and I did it yerterday. Amplaz makes me really refresh. went there with my besties. We did so much fun! ate pasta or rice, playing and buying things...... but after that I lose a lot of penny... haha. told my mom that I need to cut my hair. and she told me to do some creambath things too. they will give me some extra cost to do some hair treatment.. nice nice! ~need to focus on citizen exam. I wouldn't miss this one! FIGHTINGIA!

walk a fragile line

rasanya tuh susah banget mau jalan di jalan ini. mau dijalanin tapi ga segampang itu. Ngeliat semua temen2 nan jauh di sana yang kelihatan baik-baik saja dan tidak ada sedikitpun penyesalan bener-bener buat gye nyesel dan berusaha untuk mikir satu alasan aja kenapa gue gak harus nyesel tentang semua keputusan ini?

first of all: sekolah di jogja. Ini keputusan yang bener-bener besar. kenapa gue dengan seenaknya mutusin ini dengan gampang? bayangin seeorang anak ababil berusia 15 tahun berani ngambil resiko jauh dari ortu dan tinggal di penjara jiwa mendalam demi SEKOLAH? Imagine that!

second one: masuk asrama. walau ini adalah konsekuensi dari pilihan pertama, tapi ini tetep pilihan berat. gue dulu mikir ah gampang, tinggal tidur di asrama. mungkin kayak yang ada di film2 gitu. ternyata? don't get me wrong! bukan maksudnya mau ngejelek2in asrama atau apa. tapi ini tuh bener-bener jauh dari ortu, jauh dari berita terbaru. Lo bener-bener ngerasa empty. Ya, cuma anak asrama yang tau gimana rasanya kosong se-kosong-kosongnya sampe lo mikir ga ada hal yang bisa dilakuin selain nangis.

third: masuk ipa. What a good choose gi! kalo dari awal tujuannya desain ngapain susah2 mikirin trigono atau sel tumbuhan? apa itu ada gunanya. what a fool! sumpah rasanya tuh bener-bener salah. semuanya salah!

I think the time machine is needed now. if only.. if only....... what should I do now?