1st june, one year ago...

Hey June, what's up? It's been a year. yeah I know.. It's been a year since I made the most horrible mistake I've ever did. a year ago, this morning suppose to be one of the most wonderful morning in my life. I've graduated form high school and this day is my graduation day. I did my make up, did my hair, dressed up and came to my school with a proud that I could survive these exhausting years. And then I took pictures, wore my medals, and here comes the worst part: I was arguing with my mom just because even I've graduated from high school I still didn't know where would I go after high school. I didn't know what to do. I was not accepted in public university, and I was still hurt about that. Music education? It's a dream major for me. I really really really-like reaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllyyyyyyyy- want to go there. Or visual design, another dream major for me which I think I'm not that great for this major. The thing is what should I say if they didn't accept me? And because I was still hurt, I didn't apply to another universities. That thing made my mom upset. She wanted me to at least apply to any university. So I cried and just submitted my application. I missed the after-graduation photoshoot, I even didn't get my yearbook because I got to rush to apply my application. And what I did wrong was the way I chose my major. You all know I'm not happy with my major right now (well a little happy, like 8,9% of 100% and I think the number will raise in time), and why I chose this elementary school teacher education is just because of my mom. I know she was so dissapointed with me and I just want to make her proud. She was a elementary school teacher once, so I know she will be happy if I resuming her stride by do what she ever done. And why I didn't choose the other major is because I think I will be bored. Every other major in college make you study the spesific things about the major itself. I can't stand it if I have to study 'just' english or 'just' math or 'just' physics everyday in my college life =__=" Gawd, I will puked every single day. In this major I will study a lot of things. Like now, I got a fine art course, math course, english course, physics course, physicological course and so much more. I never get bored because we learn so much different things in the whole semester, isn't that great? So, yes.. I'm a lot better now. I can (like a little) accept my destiny that I belong here.
Through this problem, I learned that God always has a better plan. He would never made me sick in the middle of my final examination without any purpose. He would never made me accepted in a private university, not in a public university without any reason. He would never made me chose this damn-but-great major without something for me to learn. So, I'm letting go what happened a year ago. with these tears falling, I'm starting a new step on my life without regrets. my life's great.... every little tiny tiny things makes my life greater!

another great thing to learn is: "If you want something, You'll find a way. If not, You'll find an excuse. A great one." 

and again..

hello peopleeeee.. it's been a long long time! sibuk banget nih minggu-minggu ini jadi ga sempet posting. anyway, sekarang aku masih mau ngomongin masalah ngajar pramuka. kemaren untuk kesekian kalinya kita kembali dibuat kesel sama bapak tidak bertanggungjawab itu. he's really annoying. dia tuh bener-bener orangnya sulit dimengerti dan banyak maunya. kita udah ngurusin ini itu masih aja salah di mata dia. mana anak-anaknya semakin lama semakin susah diatur. beneran rasanya kayak kerja rodi. anak-anaknya entah kenapa udah mulai ga respect sama kita. I think their annoying teacher had washed their brain.
walaupun kayak gitu, ada juga anak-anak yang tetep menyenangkan.. my favorite student named Rima. dia lucu banget dan ga annoying. rasanya dipanggil "bunda" sama anak-anak itu emang bikin beda banget..
foto disebelah itu fotoku sama rima. saking gemesnya aku minta foto bareng. habis lucu banget sih anaknya kecil imut gitu :)
yang jelas mulai sekarang kalo ngajar pramuka dibawa selo aja.. terserah mereka mau ngomentarin apa, yang penting kita udah mencoba ngasih yang terbaik. anak-anak murid ini yang bakal jadi motivasi ngajar paling utama. :) jangan sampe mereka jadi terlantar gara-gara gurunya kayak bapak nyebelin itu. tetap semangat ngajar!!!

teaching on a battlefield part 2

so, this is about teaching on a battlefield (again).. kemaren, as a typically Monday, kita kembali ngajar pramuka. aku sih udah ngerasa enjoy buat ngajar. anak-anaknya juga udah kenal sama kita, jadi kita udah mulai kerasan dan mereka udah nerima kita. tapi, yang jadi masalah lagi-lagi adalah pembinanya. ada beberapa masalah yang jadi pokok utama kemaren:
#1 ternyata anak-anak itu pada uts kemaren. banyak anak yang nanya: "bunda, kok ada pramuka? biasanya kalo uts ga ada" (anyway, if you confused why they called us bunda, itu udah peraturan pramuka gitu. kalo nanda-nanda siaga harus panggil pembinanya bunda sama yahnda). terus tanyalah kita ke pembinanya. dan reaksi dia malah negatif dan dia masuk ke kelas sambil ngomong "siapa bilang kalo uts ga ada pramuka? siapa yang gak mau latihan keluar sekarang" *jleb* dalam hati aku langsung ngomong "mampus ini kita salah ngomong". jujur aja aku ga respect sama orang kayak gitu. meskipun pramuka juga penting (well, for some people-not me-) tapi sekolah itu jaaauuuuh lebih penting. kalo emang mereka harus tetep latihan, kita kan bisa mulangin mereka lebih cepet supaya mereka bisa belajar. kan kasian kalo mereka capek terus ga bisa belajar.
#2  anak-anak yang penggalang itu materinya tali temali. nah, banyak di antara kita yang ga bisa tali temali itu kayak apa. mereka berusaha semaksimal yang mereka bisa. tapi si bapak yang emang dasarnya rese ini malah ngetest mereka. dia nyuruh anak-anak nanya ke mereka yang mereka ga bisa. habis itu pas evaluasi mereka dikritik habis-habisan. ini gak fair banget. gak semua orang yang jadi pembina tau kayak apa materinya. bahkan aku aja ga pernah dapet pramuka dan sekarang harus ngajar anak-anak sesuatu yang aku baru tau waktu ikut KMD.
#3 hal ini yang paling aku ga suka dari beliau. dia dengan santainya ngerokok di lingkungan sekolah. mungkin emang itu situasinya udah sore, murid udah pada pulang, bla bla bla. tapi itu semua ga bisa dijadiin alasan buat ngerokok di sekolah. seorang pendidik itu harusnya bisa jadi teladan yang baik. dia ga nyadar apa, bau rokoknya itu bisa kecium? mau jadi apa kalo guru-guru semuanya kayak gitu?

ya, I'm just revealing my disappointment at school that I teach.. semoga aja teman-teman yang mau jadi guru (ceilaah udah berubah pikiran nih ceritanya) pada berpikiran yang sama.. iya keinginan aku untuk jadi guru udah bertambah jadi 1,99999%.. I want to be a teacher to change people's old teaching method. we can be a better teacher for the future!

teaching on the battlefield

mulai minggu lalu gue udah mulai ngajar pramuka di sd. rasanya tuh capek banget.. well, my scadule are very tight and the assigment keeps coming over and over. I think I need more days to rest. anyways, yang mau gue ceritain adalah pengalaman gue gimana ngajarnya. you know that until now I have 0% feel to become a teacher. dan kemaren pas ngajar gue rasanya ya enjoy-enjoy aja... tapi bukan berarti gue pengen jadi guru juga. tapi ya pada dasarnya gue kan suka banget kalo ngomong diperhatiin orang banyak. hal ini terjadi aps ngajar. gue rasanya seneng banget ada di depan kelas terus ngajarin mereka sesuatu yang bikin mereka tertarik.
but there's a little problem. the teaching method. pembina di sana bilang gini:
"kita harus jadi penentu segala sesuatu yang akan diterima anak. bahkan anak ga boleh milih permainan yang mau mereka mainin. mereka tugasnya cuma mendengar. cuma 2 pilihannya, kita yang ngajar anak atau anak yang ngajar kita."

begitu denger kata-kata itu gue langsung bener-bener benci sama cara ngajar kayak gitu. if I want to be a teacher, I wanna be the teacher that always consider my student choice. komunikasi itu 2 arah, bukan cuma 1 arah. inilah yang bikin aku pengen sedikit (like 0,000009%) jadi guru. aku pengen ngubah persepsi banyak orang kalo sekolah formal itu yang penting cuma 'nyekokin' anak pelajaran-pelajaran dan bikin mereka pinter. BIG NO! sekolah itu tujuannya ngebimbing anak untuk dapet ilmu yang cukup buat masa depan mereka. hasil dari pe-'nyekok'-an masal di masa lalu itu ya orang-orang kayak aku. kita bisa ngikutin pelajaran, tapi sampe gede kayak gini masih ga tau mau jadi apa nanti. jadi, ayo rubah persepsi guru-guru dan yang paling penting sih calon-calon guru.
No matter what, where and how teacher deliver the book, learning will always be a fun job if the student participate in the teaching method!

I'm sick (?)

pagi ini gue merasa gak enak badan. entah kenapa.. mungkin karena masuk angin. yang jelas tadi pagi tiba-tiba jam 3 gue kebangun dan langsung lari ke kamar mandi (well, I bet you don't want to know the details right?). terus jam 4 gue bangun lagi, jam 6 juga untuk melakukan hal yang sama. ya mungkin sakit itu bukan hal yang jarang dialami orang. sakit itu lumrah. tapi ini adalah sakit pertama gue semenjak gue tinggal sendirian di kost.

sakit di kost itu ga enak banget sumpah! kalo dulu di asrama, kalo sakit bakal ada yang jagain, ngambilin makanan, ngompresin kalo panas. lah ini? gue bener-bener harus beli makan sendiri, beli obat sendiri. bahkan gue mikir kalo emang parah, gue harus ke dokter sendiri, ga bisa dianterin suster lagi kayak dulu. ya, gue emang bisa minta bantuan temen-temen. tapi, mereka kan punya kesibukan lain yang mungkin lebih penting. ya, I know it's hard to live alone... *sigh* but, I have to stay strong! you can do it, gi! hmmm

so, hari ini gue bakal pergi cari obat dan cari makanan sendiri. trying to be independent B) hahaha... pokoknya hari ini harus sembuh biar sabtu bisa suporteran *tetep* haahahaha

don't stay in my way

yeah, I dont want something or somebody stand in the way I walked in. I've fell into this wrong way and I just want to walk through it as fast as I can. I want to be graduated as soon as possible! I don't want anything disturb me. anything, any kind of thing.. I just want to say that I'm, trying to be nice for everyone. I just don't want they think I am arrogant or something. that's all. I just want to be remembered as a good person. and I don't even want someone fall for it. I mean, I just want to make friends. (wow, I mean not really friends but something that cool enough just to know each other's name)
so, I'm telling you to get lost! just... go, I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want the fastest way to get over this thing and then chase my own dream.. I just want to let it go. I can't hold it back. it's been a long time since I could talk the way I wanted to. I've been always be a good girl, I mean for anyone. and now, I won't let anything stand in my way. fight for your own dream gi!!!

a glass of lemonade

melati wrote this. thx for the spirit mel & lis :)

satu setengah bulan jadi mahasiswa FKIP itu rasanya lucu banget. like a glass of lemonade. it's sour but sweet. masih tersisa sedikit sedih karena ga jadi masuk jurusan musik atau desain tapi sekarang aku udah bisa nerima dan jadi seneng ngajar dan ngeliat anak kecil. mungkin karena di pingit ketemu banyak anak yang buat aku bersyukur dan banyak belajar tentang hidup. I love being here..

mungkin untuk sekarang ini aku udah masih merasa asem di pgsd. tapi sedikit demi sedikit rasa manisnya mulai terasa dan buat aku nyaman. temen-temen yang selalu ngasih semangat lebih dan juga selalu dengerin keluhanku yang kadang terlalu sinis. :) tapi sekarang aku udah lebih semangat kuliah. mungkin karena udah banyak kegiatan.. semoga aja ini bisa bertahan terus sampe aku lulus nanti

at least, aku udah bisa menerima semua yang udah terjadi dan berusaha ga ngeliat-liat itu lagi dan berenti nyesel jadi calon guru.. teacher is pretty cool, right?

I messed up

I got an audition for campus choir yesterday. I was too excited that I can't chose what song to sing. I even changed the song a minute before they called my name. and the worst thing is I messed up my interview... T___T they asked me "how sure you could make it and join this choir" I was shaking and thought every single number that I could say but I said "60%" .... and I felt sad about it. I should said more! hmmmm...
I hope I could get in there. I just really really want to join them. I hope I could......... now the last thing that I can do is waiting and pray

ababil is a right word for me!

remidi lagi. kali ini kembali matematika. setelah kemarin remidi statistik kini giliran trigono. Ya ampun. semua aja remidi. Mana tadi ulangan fisika dan ga bisa. itu susah banget dan banyak soal turunan. nyesel banget ga ngafalin rumus Vo and T and delta X. hmmmm Wish all the best aja deh (berasa ada yang lagi ultah).

tapi puji Tuhan, ulangan bio tuntas. THX GOD.

tadi ya hampir nangis di skolah (tepatnya udah di ujung pelupuk mata air matanya). kata woro (@worodonimika) gue itu ababil. kalo remidi bisanya nangis2 minta pindah. Tapi kalo gak remidi berusaha nguatin orang lain. emang itu ababil banget ya? apa emang gue harus nyari cara buat nguatin diri sendiri dulu baru bantu orang lain?

yang jelas adalah I realize that I'm not strong enough to face this. But I'll try every way, and I'll do my best here.. show me Your way, GOD. I'll follow YOU. forgive me for all the mistakes that I've made. ^^