1st june, one year ago...

Hey June, what's up? It's been a year. yeah I know.. It's been a year since I made the most horrible mistake I've ever did. a year ago, this morning suppose to be one of the most wonderful morning in my life. I've graduated form high school and this day is my graduation day. I did my make up, did my hair, dressed up and came to my school with a proud that I could survive these exhausting years. And then I took pictures, wore my medals, and here comes the worst part: I was arguing with my mom just because even I've graduated from high school I still didn't know where would I go after high school. I didn't know what to do. I was not accepted in public university, and I was still hurt about that. Music education? It's a dream major for me. I really really really-like reaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllyyyyyyyy- want to go there. Or visual design, another dream major for me which I think I'm not that great for this major. The thing is what should I say if they didn't accept me? And because I was still hurt, I didn't apply to another universities. That thing made my mom upset. She wanted me to at least apply to any university. So I cried and just submitted my application. I missed the after-graduation photoshoot, I even didn't get my yearbook because I got to rush to apply my application. And what I did wrong was the way I chose my major. You all know I'm not happy with my major right now (well a little happy, like 8,9% of 100% and I think the number will raise in time), and why I chose this elementary school teacher education is just because of my mom. I know she was so dissapointed with me and I just want to make her proud. She was a elementary school teacher once, so I know she will be happy if I resuming her stride by do what she ever done. And why I didn't choose the other major is because I think I will be bored. Every other major in college make you study the spesific things about the major itself. I can't stand it if I have to study 'just' english or 'just' math or 'just' physics everyday in my college life =__=" Gawd, I will puked every single day. In this major I will study a lot of things. Like now, I got a fine art course, math course, english course, physics course, physicological course and so much more. I never get bored because we learn so much different things in the whole semester, isn't that great? So, yes.. I'm a lot better now. I can (like a little) accept my destiny that I belong here.
Through this problem, I learned that God always has a better plan. He would never made me sick in the middle of my final examination without any purpose. He would never made me accepted in a private university, not in a public university without any reason. He would never made me chose this damn-but-great major without something for me to learn. So, I'm letting go what happened a year ago. with these tears falling, I'm starting a new step on my life without regrets. my life's great.... every little tiny tiny things makes my life greater!

another great thing to learn is: "If you want something, You'll find a way. If not, You'll find an excuse. A great one." 

homesick

entah kenapa gue minggu ini merasa pengen banget pulang.. tugas terlalu banyak dan kuliah terlalu padet bikin pengen keluar dari rutinitas yang seabrek ini. seneng sih banyak kegiatan, tapi capek.
Hari ini libur dan temen-temen gue yang rumahnya deket pada pulang buat ikut pemilu. gue? di kost. gak ngapa-ngapain. rasanya tuh, ya ampun, pengen kayak mereka. coba aja jogja-cikarang cuma 2 jam, gue jalanin deh pulang tiap minggu...
sebenernya waktu paskah nanti adalah moment yang tepat buat pulang. but, the biggest problem come from my parents. mereka tuh mikirnya terlalu ribet. pertama, gue ga boleh pulang karena gue pulang sendirian. what? I am 18 years old, people. I can protect myself. mereka selalu aja masih merlakuin gue kayak anak kecil. kedua, mereka sibuk dan ga bisa jemput di stasiun ataupun terminal. yaelah, gue juga tau jalan pulang ke rumah kali. selama ada kendaraan gue kan bisa cari jalan pulang. I know there are a lot of risks, tapi kan kalo gue ga pernah pulang sendiri gue ga bakal pernah tau gimana caranya pulang sendiri.

yang jelas, I can't go home this easter. rasanya tuh nyesek banget harus tetep tinggal di jogja padahal lo gak ngapa-ngapain di sini. I just want to go home, mom&dad. could you understand? I just miss all the things that happen in our home. T______________________________________________T I must be strong till the end of the semester

(another) what if

aransemen
seandainya video ini keupload dan berhasil di link ke web snmptn 6 bulan lalu.... I won't be here and willing to be a primary teacher..... if only.....

is this called envy???

jadi gini ya rasanya terpuruk bgt? bisa bayangin gue ngerasa bego banget n minta nambah les sementara bokap dgn seenaknya ngomong gini: "papa pikir kamu udah banyak les tapi kenapa prestasinya gak naik2?" gue tau gue emang udah mentok! sekarang mau apa lagi coba? udah cukup deh gue kena marah terus gara2 nilai. ya gue mau naikin nilai dgn les pelajaran n malah ga boleh.. ya udah gue makin nyente minta les musik.. ya tambah ga blh laa..

apalagi nyokab itu lagi proses kelaur dari kerjaannya.. ya kinda economic crisis here.. tapi kan tetep aja gue selama ini ngerasa apa yang gue keluarin ga parah2 banget kok.. beli baju? ya pernah sih, tapi ga tiap bulan sih! beli sepatu? never! terus maunya gue apa? naik kaki ke sekolah tiap hari? ga pernah makan di luar? sabtu sepi n galau sendirian? gue jadi males pulang nih!! gue ngerti sih bokap bilang kita harus hemat buat nabung gue masuk kuliah.. tapi ya gak gini sih.. ini LEBAY!

tapi nyokab nenangin dengan bilang kalo dia mau ngelesin n wirausaha gitu.. ya bagus deh.. block dad's opinion mom!! he won't ever be able to understand me!! and about my study? it's decided.. UNJ musik!! yeah.. hope this will be success!!

walk a fragile line

rasanya tuh susah banget mau jalan di jalan ini. mau dijalanin tapi ga segampang itu. Ngeliat semua temen2 nan jauh di sana yang kelihatan baik-baik saja dan tidak ada sedikitpun penyesalan bener-bener buat gye nyesel dan berusaha untuk mikir satu alasan aja kenapa gue gak harus nyesel tentang semua keputusan ini?

first of all: sekolah di jogja. Ini keputusan yang bener-bener besar. kenapa gue dengan seenaknya mutusin ini dengan gampang? bayangin seeorang anak ababil berusia 15 tahun berani ngambil resiko jauh dari ortu dan tinggal di penjara jiwa mendalam demi SEKOLAH? Imagine that!

second one: masuk asrama. walau ini adalah konsekuensi dari pilihan pertama, tapi ini tetep pilihan berat. gue dulu mikir ah gampang, tinggal tidur di asrama. mungkin kayak yang ada di film2 gitu. ternyata? don't get me wrong! bukan maksudnya mau ngejelek2in asrama atau apa. tapi ini tuh bener-bener jauh dari ortu, jauh dari berita terbaru. Lo bener-bener ngerasa empty. Ya, cuma anak asrama yang tau gimana rasanya kosong se-kosong-kosongnya sampe lo mikir ga ada hal yang bisa dilakuin selain nangis.

third: masuk ipa. What a good choose gi! kalo dari awal tujuannya desain ngapain susah2 mikirin trigono atau sel tumbuhan? apa itu ada gunanya. what a fool! sumpah rasanya tuh bener-bener salah. semuanya salah!

I think the time machine is needed now. if only.. if only....... what should I do now?

udah capek nangis

sumpah rasanya bener-bener bt.. gak tau kenapa

rasanya udah lama banget semenjak bisa ketawa lepas.. rasanya udah lupa gimana rasanya pulang ke rumah, tidur di spring bed, tidur pake ac, jalan2 bareng bonyok+evan, pergi ke mall tanpa mikirin berapa uang yang harus dikeluarin, udah lupa rasanya milih2 DVD sesuka hati, makan di s****** tanpa mikir kemahalan, kemana-mana gak mikir ongkos, udah lupa cara senyum ke orang tanpa curiga mau dibawa kabur, lupa cara nyelesain tugas dengan cepet tapi tetep dapet bagus, udah lupa cara nonton tv sambil selonjoran di sofa, caranya tidur nyenyak walau banyak ulangan, lupa caranya berantem sama bonyok, lupa cara ngerjain evan, lupa cara jaaln2 bareng temen-temen, lupa gimana rasanya berenang, lupa jalan kalo mau beli makanan malem2 di deket rumah, lupa untuk ngunci pintu depan rumah tiap tidur malem, lupa caranya nungguin papa pulang kerja, bahkan udah lupa kapan terakhir kali nyanyi di gereja. rasanya udah luaaammmaa banget gak ngelakuin banyak hal sebebas dulu. rasanya terkekang di jeruji besi yang tiap kita mau bergerak jerujinya makin kecil n ngeluarin jalum2 tajem yang bisa bikin kita makin lama makin berdarah. rasanya makin lama makin pengen keluar walau belom saatnya.

kata orang sih kupu-kupu akan berjuang keluar dari kepompong sendiri, karena itu akan buat sayapnya kuat waktu terbang. tapi kenapa kupu-kupu lain rasanya kepompongnya gak setebel aku???? apa aku yang terlalu memforsir? atau malah aku yang terlalu santai?? Aku stress aku akuin. mau pindah? JELAS! Udah gak tahan? PASTINYA.. tapi apa aku salah kalo aku nyoba nguatin diri untuk satu kali ini aja.. aku tahan2in cuma buat mama dan papa.. rasanya aku gak pernah bikin mereka bangga sekalipun.. aku pengen ngebahagiain mereka ya Tuhan, tapi kenapa aku malah nyakitin diriku sendiri? apa yang harus aku lakuin???

Isn't it enough to prove that I love them??

PRAY

oh GOD.. what have just i say?
i'm so sorry GOD.. regret this way.
tapi seandainya gue bisa milih.. gue gak akan jadi ke JOGJA kalo tau semuanya gini..
gue pengen tau segalanya...............................................................
not that everything.. but i just want to know how it can happen to my life????????
gue suma bisa doa, doa dan doa......
I surender all to YOU, GOD! I believe in YOU!! I believe you never left me alone.......
what ever YOUR will, be it done for me and my life, GOD

aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

still want to cry and i don't know why.. i think i want to forget this.
i still think about it even in my schoolhour
what can i do to make it better? this ain't right!!
i'm about to die!!!! may i kill myself??????????
i want to cry 'till i die.. i want to scream 'till my mounth can't say anything else..
i want to sleep and never wake up anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what can i do?

ini kenapa gue gak suka umur 17

gue ngerasa kehidupan dewasa itugak cocok sama gue.. gue? dikit2 nangis.. dikit2 nangis.. apa coba dewasanya?? gue ngerasa kalo bisa gue mau terus2an jadi anak kecil aja kali ya? ini emang pertama kalinya gue curhat serius di blog.. gue sih gak berharap banyak yang baca.. gue cuma mau ngungkapin isi hati gue biar lega.. kenapa sih orang dewasa itu bisa sulit banget dimengerti?? kenapa mereka punya perasaan aneh yang gak bisa dimengerti anak remaja? kenapa pikiran mereka terlalu melenceng jauh banget dari apa yang di depan mata dan mereka punya feeling nyeleneh yang bisa bikin jantung orang mau copot?????????????????????????????
masa iya anak sekecil aku harus ngertiin hal ini??? jadi apa dong sekarang masalahnya??
I CAN'T HANDLE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
gue capek.. jadi ini ya yang dirasain orang2 yang diambang keterbatasan dan gak ngerti masalahnya mereka yang mutusin gitu aja.. tapi gue gak mau.. gue pikir ini udah kelewat batas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh GOD.. help me

JOGJA

hahaahahahaah.. ketawa aja deh gw! lagi di warnet nih.. #BANGGA hahah
gue ngiri ngeliat foto2 graduationnya kelas 9.. GUE GAG BISA IKUT karna Lik-tante- ku nikah hari Senin-tgl21- n aku udah harus nyampe hari SABTU malem.. saya sangat sedih....................
HUWEEEEEEE

seandainya.. seandainya #lebaymodeon!!
sudah lah.. memang gag bisa ikut ya gag usah ikut lah! saya sangat bosan sih.. cuma seru aja kalo nghebayangin tinggal sendiri di astrama nanti.. tapi tetep aja sedih..
#gag bisa berantem sama EVAN lagi..
#gag dimarahin mama lagi..
#gag nungguin papa pulang malem lagi..
#gag bisa hang out bareng temen2 lagi..
#gag bisa nyanyi di gereja lagi..
#gag bisa nonton seenaknya lagi..
#gag bisa online sepuasnya..
#ngatur uang sendiri..

huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh
semoga seluruh anak kelas 9 menemukan jalannya sendiri.. hahaha..
n pas reunian kita udah berhasil semua.. ~AMIN!! hahaha