1st june, one year ago...

Hey June, what's up? It's been a year. yeah I know.. It's been a year since I made the most horrible mistake I've ever did. a year ago, this morning suppose to be one of the most wonderful morning in my life. I've graduated form high school and this day is my graduation day. I did my make up, did my hair, dressed up and came to my school with a proud that I could survive these exhausting years. And then I took pictures, wore my medals, and here comes the worst part: I was arguing with my mom just because even I've graduated from high school I still didn't know where would I go after high school. I didn't know what to do. I was not accepted in public university, and I was still hurt about that. Music education? It's a dream major for me. I really really really-like reaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllyyyyyyyy- want to go there. Or visual design, another dream major for me which I think I'm not that great for this major. The thing is what should I say if they didn't accept me? And because I was still hurt, I didn't apply to another universities. That thing made my mom upset. She wanted me to at least apply to any university. So I cried and just submitted my application. I missed the after-graduation photoshoot, I even didn't get my yearbook because I got to rush to apply my application. And what I did wrong was the way I chose my major. You all know I'm not happy with my major right now (well a little happy, like 8,9% of 100% and I think the number will raise in time), and why I chose this elementary school teacher education is just because of my mom. I know she was so dissapointed with me and I just want to make her proud. She was a elementary school teacher once, so I know she will be happy if I resuming her stride by do what she ever done. And why I didn't choose the other major is because I think I will be bored. Every other major in college make you study the spesific things about the major itself. I can't stand it if I have to study 'just' english or 'just' math or 'just' physics everyday in my college life =__=" Gawd, I will puked every single day. In this major I will study a lot of things. Like now, I got a fine art course, math course, english course, physics course, physicological course and so much more. I never get bored because we learn so much different things in the whole semester, isn't that great? So, yes.. I'm a lot better now. I can (like a little) accept my destiny that I belong here.
Through this problem, I learned that God always has a better plan. He would never made me sick in the middle of my final examination without any purpose. He would never made me accepted in a private university, not in a public university without any reason. He would never made me chose this damn-but-great major without something for me to learn. So, I'm letting go what happened a year ago. with these tears falling, I'm starting a new step on my life without regrets. my life's great.... every little tiny tiny things makes my life greater!

another great thing to learn is: "If you want something, You'll find a way. If not, You'll find an excuse. A great one." 

homesick

entah kenapa gue minggu ini merasa pengen banget pulang.. tugas terlalu banyak dan kuliah terlalu padet bikin pengen keluar dari rutinitas yang seabrek ini. seneng sih banyak kegiatan, tapi capek.
Hari ini libur dan temen-temen gue yang rumahnya deket pada pulang buat ikut pemilu. gue? di kost. gak ngapa-ngapain. rasanya tuh, ya ampun, pengen kayak mereka. coba aja jogja-cikarang cuma 2 jam, gue jalanin deh pulang tiap minggu...
sebenernya waktu paskah nanti adalah moment yang tepat buat pulang. but, the biggest problem come from my parents. mereka tuh mikirnya terlalu ribet. pertama, gue ga boleh pulang karena gue pulang sendirian. what? I am 18 years old, people. I can protect myself. mereka selalu aja masih merlakuin gue kayak anak kecil. kedua, mereka sibuk dan ga bisa jemput di stasiun ataupun terminal. yaelah, gue juga tau jalan pulang ke rumah kali. selama ada kendaraan gue kan bisa cari jalan pulang. I know there are a lot of risks, tapi kan kalo gue ga pernah pulang sendiri gue ga bakal pernah tau gimana caranya pulang sendiri.

yang jelas, I can't go home this easter. rasanya tuh nyesek banget harus tetep tinggal di jogja padahal lo gak ngapa-ngapain di sini. I just want to go home, mom&dad. could you understand? I just miss all the things that happen in our home. T______________________________________________T I must be strong till the end of the semester

career day make me very galau

haduh.. galau banget mau masuk kuliah apa.. ya masih 1 tahun lagi sih.. tapi kan perlu dipikirkan dari sekarang.. ada 1 fakultas dan 5 universitas tujuan.. fakultas udah fiks desain produk. tapi gue emang niat banget masuk desain produk.. banget-banget.. tapi masih gak tau di mana.. papa bilang yang penting udah ada pegangan.. n so sweetnya beliau bilang: "tenang aja kak. berapapu kalo emang kamu suka akan papa usahain." LOVE U SO MUCH DAD <3"

my future plan:

S1 desain produk

kerja di perusahaan

S2 marketing

keluar kerja n diriin usaha sendiri

God, I pray for all this plan.. I hope it will come true.

udah capek nangis

sumpah rasanya bener-bener bt.. gak tau kenapa

rasanya udah lama banget semenjak bisa ketawa lepas.. rasanya udah lupa gimana rasanya pulang ke rumah, tidur di spring bed, tidur pake ac, jalan2 bareng bonyok+evan, pergi ke mall tanpa mikirin berapa uang yang harus dikeluarin, udah lupa rasanya milih2 DVD sesuka hati, makan di s****** tanpa mikir kemahalan, kemana-mana gak mikir ongkos, udah lupa cara senyum ke orang tanpa curiga mau dibawa kabur, lupa cara nyelesain tugas dengan cepet tapi tetep dapet bagus, udah lupa cara nonton tv sambil selonjoran di sofa, caranya tidur nyenyak walau banyak ulangan, lupa caranya berantem sama bonyok, lupa cara ngerjain evan, lupa cara jaaln2 bareng temen-temen, lupa gimana rasanya berenang, lupa jalan kalo mau beli makanan malem2 di deket rumah, lupa untuk ngunci pintu depan rumah tiap tidur malem, lupa caranya nungguin papa pulang kerja, bahkan udah lupa kapan terakhir kali nyanyi di gereja. rasanya udah luaaammmaa banget gak ngelakuin banyak hal sebebas dulu. rasanya terkekang di jeruji besi yang tiap kita mau bergerak jerujinya makin kecil n ngeluarin jalum2 tajem yang bisa bikin kita makin lama makin berdarah. rasanya makin lama makin pengen keluar walau belom saatnya.

kata orang sih kupu-kupu akan berjuang keluar dari kepompong sendiri, karena itu akan buat sayapnya kuat waktu terbang. tapi kenapa kupu-kupu lain rasanya kepompongnya gak setebel aku???? apa aku yang terlalu memforsir? atau malah aku yang terlalu santai?? Aku stress aku akuin. mau pindah? JELAS! Udah gak tahan? PASTINYA.. tapi apa aku salah kalo aku nyoba nguatin diri untuk satu kali ini aja.. aku tahan2in cuma buat mama dan papa.. rasanya aku gak pernah bikin mereka bangga sekalipun.. aku pengen ngebahagiain mereka ya Tuhan, tapi kenapa aku malah nyakitin diriku sendiri? apa yang harus aku lakuin???

Isn't it enough to prove that I love them??