1st june, one year ago...

Hey June, what's up? It's been a year. yeah I know.. It's been a year since I made the most horrible mistake I've ever did. a year ago, this morning suppose to be one of the most wonderful morning in my life. I've graduated form high school and this day is my graduation day. I did my make up, did my hair, dressed up and came to my school with a proud that I could survive these exhausting years. And then I took pictures, wore my medals, and here comes the worst part: I was arguing with my mom just because even I've graduated from high school I still didn't know where would I go after high school. I didn't know what to do. I was not accepted in public university, and I was still hurt about that. Music education? It's a dream major for me. I really really really-like reaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllyyyyyyyy- want to go there. Or visual design, another dream major for me which I think I'm not that great for this major. The thing is what should I say if they didn't accept me? And because I was still hurt, I didn't apply to another universities. That thing made my mom upset. She wanted me to at least apply to any university. So I cried and just submitted my application. I missed the after-graduation photoshoot, I even didn't get my yearbook because I got to rush to apply my application. And what I did wrong was the way I chose my major. You all know I'm not happy with my major right now (well a little happy, like 8,9% of 100% and I think the number will raise in time), and why I chose this elementary school teacher education is just because of my mom. I know she was so dissapointed with me and I just want to make her proud. She was a elementary school teacher once, so I know she will be happy if I resuming her stride by do what she ever done. And why I didn't choose the other major is because I think I will be bored. Every other major in college make you study the spesific things about the major itself. I can't stand it if I have to study 'just' english or 'just' math or 'just' physics everyday in my college life =__=" Gawd, I will puked every single day. In this major I will study a lot of things. Like now, I got a fine art course, math course, english course, physics course, physicological course and so much more. I never get bored because we learn so much different things in the whole semester, isn't that great? So, yes.. I'm a lot better now. I can (like a little) accept my destiny that I belong here.
Through this problem, I learned that God always has a better plan. He would never made me sick in the middle of my final examination without any purpose. He would never made me accepted in a private university, not in a public university without any reason. He would never made me chose this damn-but-great major without something for me to learn. So, I'm letting go what happened a year ago. with these tears falling, I'm starting a new step on my life without regrets. my life's great.... every little tiny tiny things makes my life greater!

another great thing to learn is: "If you want something, You'll find a way. If not, You'll find an excuse. A great one." 

homesick

entah kenapa gue minggu ini merasa pengen banget pulang.. tugas terlalu banyak dan kuliah terlalu padet bikin pengen keluar dari rutinitas yang seabrek ini. seneng sih banyak kegiatan, tapi capek.
Hari ini libur dan temen-temen gue yang rumahnya deket pada pulang buat ikut pemilu. gue? di kost. gak ngapa-ngapain. rasanya tuh, ya ampun, pengen kayak mereka. coba aja jogja-cikarang cuma 2 jam, gue jalanin deh pulang tiap minggu...
sebenernya waktu paskah nanti adalah moment yang tepat buat pulang. but, the biggest problem come from my parents. mereka tuh mikirnya terlalu ribet. pertama, gue ga boleh pulang karena gue pulang sendirian. what? I am 18 years old, people. I can protect myself. mereka selalu aja masih merlakuin gue kayak anak kecil. kedua, mereka sibuk dan ga bisa jemput di stasiun ataupun terminal. yaelah, gue juga tau jalan pulang ke rumah kali. selama ada kendaraan gue kan bisa cari jalan pulang. I know there are a lot of risks, tapi kan kalo gue ga pernah pulang sendiri gue ga bakal pernah tau gimana caranya pulang sendiri.

yang jelas, I can't go home this easter. rasanya tuh nyesek banget harus tetep tinggal di jogja padahal lo gak ngapa-ngapain di sini. I just want to go home, mom&dad. could you understand? I just miss all the things that happen in our home. T______________________________________________T I must be strong till the end of the semester

teaching on the battlefield

mulai minggu lalu gue udah mulai ngajar pramuka di sd. rasanya tuh capek banget.. well, my scadule are very tight and the assigment keeps coming over and over. I think I need more days to rest. anyways, yang mau gue ceritain adalah pengalaman gue gimana ngajarnya. you know that until now I have 0% feel to become a teacher. dan kemaren pas ngajar gue rasanya ya enjoy-enjoy aja... tapi bukan berarti gue pengen jadi guru juga. tapi ya pada dasarnya gue kan suka banget kalo ngomong diperhatiin orang banyak. hal ini terjadi aps ngajar. gue rasanya seneng banget ada di depan kelas terus ngajarin mereka sesuatu yang bikin mereka tertarik.
but there's a little problem. the teaching method. pembina di sana bilang gini:
"kita harus jadi penentu segala sesuatu yang akan diterima anak. bahkan anak ga boleh milih permainan yang mau mereka mainin. mereka tugasnya cuma mendengar. cuma 2 pilihannya, kita yang ngajar anak atau anak yang ngajar kita."

begitu denger kata-kata itu gue langsung bener-bener benci sama cara ngajar kayak gitu. if I want to be a teacher, I wanna be the teacher that always consider my student choice. komunikasi itu 2 arah, bukan cuma 1 arah. inilah yang bikin aku pengen sedikit (like 0,000009%) jadi guru. aku pengen ngubah persepsi banyak orang kalo sekolah formal itu yang penting cuma 'nyekokin' anak pelajaran-pelajaran dan bikin mereka pinter. BIG NO! sekolah itu tujuannya ngebimbing anak untuk dapet ilmu yang cukup buat masa depan mereka. hasil dari pe-'nyekok'-an masal di masa lalu itu ya orang-orang kayak aku. kita bisa ngikutin pelajaran, tapi sampe gede kayak gini masih ga tau mau jadi apa nanti. jadi, ayo rubah persepsi guru-guru dan yang paling penting sih calon-calon guru.
No matter what, where and how teacher deliver the book, learning will always be a fun job if the student participate in the teaching method!

complaining to the universe

jadi tadi pagi gue barusan KRSan. anyway I really didn't know what is the real function of KRS.. orang tadi tuh isinya cuma duduk-duduk doang. dan berita buruknya adalah kita ga bisa ambil kelas tambahan. alasan utamanya karena udah dipaketin. apa coba? I officially hate my major! dan yang paling nyebelin adalah waktu tau jadwalnya.... satu kata: kampreeeeeeeeet! apa2an coba. ada yang masuk jam 1 siang, ada yang pulang jam 6, dan yang paling parah banyak jam kosong bertebaran di mana-mana. sumpah ya ga boong ini super kampret! ya, I know that I've told you I wanna move on, I won't regret whatever and blah blah blah... but I never told you I will love my major, right?

if only I could cry in front of the universe and say "Kenapa gue ambil jurusan ini? kenapa???" (ala-ala sinetron indonesia yang scene-nya berlutut ditengah jalan malem-malem pas ujan gede gitu) terus waktu bisa muter lagi ke zaman gue sma terus gue...
okay, this is out of the line! balik ke topik:

intinya adalah mari kita berjuang melawan kekampretan ini. my mom said maybe this for my best too. good gpa is never enough. let's try this: best gpa! hhahahha... just kidding :) at least we have to try it first, right folks! I'm on my way to catch one of my dreams...
this is my quote of the day:

What ifs

I’ve been thinking about this lately. Is there any possibilities to rewind back the time? I really want to do that. I think I made a wrong choise. I’m gonna go back and go with:

“What if I chose design or music. Anything that I always felt comfotable with?”

I know it’s impossible but its hurt everytime they ask me what I’m on with and I have to pretend that I love being here. With these ‘future’s teacher’ things. I want to be myself. I don’t want to stand behind other people dreams like this. I’ve been lying a lot. Even to myself. Why am I doing this to myself? I don’t want this... I want my dreams to come true. And now, my dream is in the other way. And I take a way which make me further from my dream. Something inside me just scream everytime I look at other people who play music and design something. Teacher (?) is it what you really want to be, gi? Seems I lose myself in the middle of wrong way. I’ve cried a lot of times and still feel not okay.

What’s more important? My dream or other’s happiness (?) can’t decide one.....

is this called envy???

jadi gini ya rasanya terpuruk bgt? bisa bayangin gue ngerasa bego banget n minta nambah les sementara bokap dgn seenaknya ngomong gini: "papa pikir kamu udah banyak les tapi kenapa prestasinya gak naik2?" gue tau gue emang udah mentok! sekarang mau apa lagi coba? udah cukup deh gue kena marah terus gara2 nilai. ya gue mau naikin nilai dgn les pelajaran n malah ga boleh.. ya udah gue makin nyente minta les musik.. ya tambah ga blh laa..

apalagi nyokab itu lagi proses kelaur dari kerjaannya.. ya kinda economic crisis here.. tapi kan tetep aja gue selama ini ngerasa apa yang gue keluarin ga parah2 banget kok.. beli baju? ya pernah sih, tapi ga tiap bulan sih! beli sepatu? never! terus maunya gue apa? naik kaki ke sekolah tiap hari? ga pernah makan di luar? sabtu sepi n galau sendirian? gue jadi males pulang nih!! gue ngerti sih bokap bilang kita harus hemat buat nabung gue masuk kuliah.. tapi ya gak gini sih.. ini LEBAY!

tapi nyokab nenangin dengan bilang kalo dia mau ngelesin n wirausaha gitu.. ya bagus deh.. block dad's opinion mom!! he won't ever be able to understand me!! and about my study? it's decided.. UNJ musik!! yeah.. hope this will be success!!

ababil is a right word for me!

remidi lagi. kali ini kembali matematika. setelah kemarin remidi statistik kini giliran trigono. Ya ampun. semua aja remidi. Mana tadi ulangan fisika dan ga bisa. itu susah banget dan banyak soal turunan. nyesel banget ga ngafalin rumus Vo and T and delta X. hmmmm Wish all the best aja deh (berasa ada yang lagi ultah).

tapi puji Tuhan, ulangan bio tuntas. THX GOD.

tadi ya hampir nangis di skolah (tepatnya udah di ujung pelupuk mata air matanya). kata woro (@worodonimika) gue itu ababil. kalo remidi bisanya nangis2 minta pindah. Tapi kalo gak remidi berusaha nguatin orang lain. emang itu ababil banget ya? apa emang gue harus nyari cara buat nguatin diri sendiri dulu baru bantu orang lain?

yang jelas adalah I realize that I'm not strong enough to face this. But I'll try every way, and I'll do my best here.. show me Your way, GOD. I'll follow YOU. forgive me for all the mistakes that I've made. ^^

walk a fragile line

rasanya tuh susah banget mau jalan di jalan ini. mau dijalanin tapi ga segampang itu. Ngeliat semua temen2 nan jauh di sana yang kelihatan baik-baik saja dan tidak ada sedikitpun penyesalan bener-bener buat gye nyesel dan berusaha untuk mikir satu alasan aja kenapa gue gak harus nyesel tentang semua keputusan ini?

first of all: sekolah di jogja. Ini keputusan yang bener-bener besar. kenapa gue dengan seenaknya mutusin ini dengan gampang? bayangin seeorang anak ababil berusia 15 tahun berani ngambil resiko jauh dari ortu dan tinggal di penjara jiwa mendalam demi SEKOLAH? Imagine that!

second one: masuk asrama. walau ini adalah konsekuensi dari pilihan pertama, tapi ini tetep pilihan berat. gue dulu mikir ah gampang, tinggal tidur di asrama. mungkin kayak yang ada di film2 gitu. ternyata? don't get me wrong! bukan maksudnya mau ngejelek2in asrama atau apa. tapi ini tuh bener-bener jauh dari ortu, jauh dari berita terbaru. Lo bener-bener ngerasa empty. Ya, cuma anak asrama yang tau gimana rasanya kosong se-kosong-kosongnya sampe lo mikir ga ada hal yang bisa dilakuin selain nangis.

third: masuk ipa. What a good choose gi! kalo dari awal tujuannya desain ngapain susah2 mikirin trigono atau sel tumbuhan? apa itu ada gunanya. what a fool! sumpah rasanya tuh bener-bener salah. semuanya salah!

I think the time machine is needed now. if only.. if only....... what should I do now?

ABABIL

haduh ababil banget sih jadi anak. gue gak suka orang kayak gitu.. apa banget sih. gue gak suka sama dia! apa banget sih.. sok banget. sorry banget ya selama ini udah berlaku buruk, tapi emang gimana lagi>?\

gak suka sama orang yang sok n mau dipuji terus..

Iphone? beli sana yang banyak!