1st june, one year ago...

Hey June, what's up? It's been a year. yeah I know.. It's been a year since I made the most horrible mistake I've ever did. a year ago, this morning suppose to be one of the most wonderful morning in my life. I've graduated form high school and this day is my graduation day. I did my make up, did my hair, dressed up and came to my school with a proud that I could survive these exhausting years. And then I took pictures, wore my medals, and here comes the worst part: I was arguing with my mom just because even I've graduated from high school I still didn't know where would I go after high school. I didn't know what to do. I was not accepted in public university, and I was still hurt about that. Music education? It's a dream major for me. I really really really-like reaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllyyyyyyyy- want to go there. Or visual design, another dream major for me which I think I'm not that great for this major. The thing is what should I say if they didn't accept me? And because I was still hurt, I didn't apply to another universities. That thing made my mom upset. She wanted me to at least apply to any university. So I cried and just submitted my application. I missed the after-graduation photoshoot, I even didn't get my yearbook because I got to rush to apply my application. And what I did wrong was the way I chose my major. You all know I'm not happy with my major right now (well a little happy, like 8,9% of 100% and I think the number will raise in time), and why I chose this elementary school teacher education is just because of my mom. I know she was so dissapointed with me and I just want to make her proud. She was a elementary school teacher once, so I know she will be happy if I resuming her stride by do what she ever done. And why I didn't choose the other major is because I think I will be bored. Every other major in college make you study the spesific things about the major itself. I can't stand it if I have to study 'just' english or 'just' math or 'just' physics everyday in my college life =__=" Gawd, I will puked every single day. In this major I will study a lot of things. Like now, I got a fine art course, math course, english course, physics course, physicological course and so much more. I never get bored because we learn so much different things in the whole semester, isn't that great? So, yes.. I'm a lot better now. I can (like a little) accept my destiny that I belong here.
Through this problem, I learned that God always has a better plan. He would never made me sick in the middle of my final examination without any purpose. He would never made me accepted in a private university, not in a public university without any reason. He would never made me chose this damn-but-great major without something for me to learn. So, I'm letting go what happened a year ago. with these tears falling, I'm starting a new step on my life without regrets. my life's great.... every little tiny tiny things makes my life greater!

another great thing to learn is: "If you want something, You'll find a way. If not, You'll find an excuse. A great one." 

homesick

entah kenapa gue minggu ini merasa pengen banget pulang.. tugas terlalu banyak dan kuliah terlalu padet bikin pengen keluar dari rutinitas yang seabrek ini. seneng sih banyak kegiatan, tapi capek.
Hari ini libur dan temen-temen gue yang rumahnya deket pada pulang buat ikut pemilu. gue? di kost. gak ngapa-ngapain. rasanya tuh, ya ampun, pengen kayak mereka. coba aja jogja-cikarang cuma 2 jam, gue jalanin deh pulang tiap minggu...
sebenernya waktu paskah nanti adalah moment yang tepat buat pulang. but, the biggest problem come from my parents. mereka tuh mikirnya terlalu ribet. pertama, gue ga boleh pulang karena gue pulang sendirian. what? I am 18 years old, people. I can protect myself. mereka selalu aja masih merlakuin gue kayak anak kecil. kedua, mereka sibuk dan ga bisa jemput di stasiun ataupun terminal. yaelah, gue juga tau jalan pulang ke rumah kali. selama ada kendaraan gue kan bisa cari jalan pulang. I know there are a lot of risks, tapi kan kalo gue ga pernah pulang sendiri gue ga bakal pernah tau gimana caranya pulang sendiri.

yang jelas, I can't go home this easter. rasanya tuh nyesek banget harus tetep tinggal di jogja padahal lo gak ngapa-ngapain di sini. I just want to go home, mom&dad. could you understand? I just miss all the things that happen in our home. T______________________________________________T I must be strong till the end of the semester

teaching on the battlefield

mulai minggu lalu gue udah mulai ngajar pramuka di sd. rasanya tuh capek banget.. well, my scadule are very tight and the assigment keeps coming over and over. I think I need more days to rest. anyways, yang mau gue ceritain adalah pengalaman gue gimana ngajarnya. you know that until now I have 0% feel to become a teacher. dan kemaren pas ngajar gue rasanya ya enjoy-enjoy aja... tapi bukan berarti gue pengen jadi guru juga. tapi ya pada dasarnya gue kan suka banget kalo ngomong diperhatiin orang banyak. hal ini terjadi aps ngajar. gue rasanya seneng banget ada di depan kelas terus ngajarin mereka sesuatu yang bikin mereka tertarik.
but there's a little problem. the teaching method. pembina di sana bilang gini:
"kita harus jadi penentu segala sesuatu yang akan diterima anak. bahkan anak ga boleh milih permainan yang mau mereka mainin. mereka tugasnya cuma mendengar. cuma 2 pilihannya, kita yang ngajar anak atau anak yang ngajar kita."

begitu denger kata-kata itu gue langsung bener-bener benci sama cara ngajar kayak gitu. if I want to be a teacher, I wanna be the teacher that always consider my student choice. komunikasi itu 2 arah, bukan cuma 1 arah. inilah yang bikin aku pengen sedikit (like 0,000009%) jadi guru. aku pengen ngubah persepsi banyak orang kalo sekolah formal itu yang penting cuma 'nyekokin' anak pelajaran-pelajaran dan bikin mereka pinter. BIG NO! sekolah itu tujuannya ngebimbing anak untuk dapet ilmu yang cukup buat masa depan mereka. hasil dari pe-'nyekok'-an masal di masa lalu itu ya orang-orang kayak aku. kita bisa ngikutin pelajaran, tapi sampe gede kayak gini masih ga tau mau jadi apa nanti. jadi, ayo rubah persepsi guru-guru dan yang paling penting sih calon-calon guru.
No matter what, where and how teacher deliver the book, learning will always be a fun job if the student participate in the teaching method!

do you want to build a snowman?

this phrase is a piece of Frozen's song lyrics. I would like to say that I almost cry because of this song. This song is about Anna who really want to go out with her sister, Elsa. Elsa locked herself in her room because she doesn't want to hurt Anna. Elsa has a power who can freeze anything she touch. she made her sister hurt once, so she doesn't want to hurt her anymore.
the phrase "Do you want to build a snowman" is represented a loneliness. Anna really want to play with Elsa, build a snowman and talk together like they used to be.

In my life, this phrase made me cry because I think I felt the same loneliness. I really miss my friends. I want to go out with them. but at the moment they already have their own thing to do. I miss all the time that we've spent together. this new life is sucks! I really want to rewind the time and find myself back with all my besties. guys, "do you want to build a snowman?"

(another) what if

aransemen
seandainya video ini keupload dan berhasil di link ke web snmptn 6 bulan lalu.... I won't be here and willing to be a primary teacher..... if only.....

my helping day

sumpah ternyata gini ya rasanya nolong orang? seneng banhget dan puas. rasanya pengen lagi. jadi dini ceritanya:

pulang dari gar**** bareng ka yessi, gue lewat jalan yang biasa kita lewatin sambil ngomongin su** yang nyebelin itu , eh tiba-tiba lewat motor. bapak-bapak sama anak kecil gitu. dia minta tolong sama kita. Kita pikir mau nanya jalan atau apa gitu. ternyata malah cerita kalo anaknya kena flek di paru-paru n dia uangnya kurang buat nebus obat. katanya obatnya 60 ribu n dia cuma bawa uang 50ribu. secara kurang 12 ribu gue udah ga punya pikiran tu bapak mau nipu kan. *secara buat apa sih 12 ribu? akhirnya kak yessi pertama ngasih 20ribu. n bapak itu nolak malah dikembaliin. sumpah itu kan berarti dia gak boong. akhirnya gue n kak yessi ngasih uang pas 12ribu n bapaknya mukanya langsung cerah n langsung ke rumah sakin p********** buat nebus obat.

yang gue gak habis pikir: masa rumah sakit gak mau ngeringanin sedikit aja paling enggak 12ribu. secara bapaknya emang gak punya uang. sumpah! apa banget sih? adi gitu ya cara kerjanya? pantes aja Indonesia gak maju-maju orang2 nya aja bejat-bejat. haduh *ayo generasi gue harus lebih baik! buktiin kalo kita lebih baik!

IPA, Not a thing

this is the result of fat test with chloroform and water.. (with coconut oil as the food stuff)

menemukan satu hal hari ini! Gak cocok jadi anak ipa.. ternyata. Laporan isisnya 51 lembar? bayangin gak? sebenernya gue gak cocok jadi anak ipa. gak bisa eksperimen, gak ngerti apa-apa. cuma bisa nge-'bacot' doang. lebih cocok jadi anak bahasa atau ips yang banyak sosialisasi dan omong2nya. salah banget ya masuk jurusan. ga papa deh cuma bisa nerusin.

tapi ini emang keterlaluan menurut gue. semua temen2 gue udah pada ngomongin kalo gue lebay. ya iyalah.. temen gue pada 16-30 lembaran.. gue? apa emang terlalu bacot ya? hmmmmm

yang bisa dilakukan sekarang cuma terusin hidup dengan berjuang keras di IPA.. semangat!

awan gelap hampir berlalu

akhirnya setelah perjuangan panjang minggu ini berhasil dilalui dengan banyak usaha untuk mengerjakan tugas dan belajar untuk ulangan...
bulan ini: BUANYAK PENGELUARAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! harus segera berhemat atau saya lama2 akan jalan kaki ke sekolah dan gak ada biaya lagi!!!!!!!!!
stop pengeluaran berlabih!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
mulai bulan ini akn H E M A T@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*cemunguth

aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

still want to cry and i don't know why.. i think i want to forget this.
i still think about it even in my schoolhour
what can i do to make it better? this ain't right!!
i'm about to die!!!! may i kill myself??????????
i want to cry 'till i die.. i want to scream 'till my mounth can't say anything else..
i want to sleep and never wake up anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what can i do?

ini kenapa gue gak suka umur 17

gue ngerasa kehidupan dewasa itugak cocok sama gue.. gue? dikit2 nangis.. dikit2 nangis.. apa coba dewasanya?? gue ngerasa kalo bisa gue mau terus2an jadi anak kecil aja kali ya? ini emang pertama kalinya gue curhat serius di blog.. gue sih gak berharap banyak yang baca.. gue cuma mau ngungkapin isi hati gue biar lega.. kenapa sih orang dewasa itu bisa sulit banget dimengerti?? kenapa mereka punya perasaan aneh yang gak bisa dimengerti anak remaja? kenapa pikiran mereka terlalu melenceng jauh banget dari apa yang di depan mata dan mereka punya feeling nyeleneh yang bisa bikin jantung orang mau copot?????????????????????????????
masa iya anak sekecil aku harus ngertiin hal ini??? jadi apa dong sekarang masalahnya??
I CAN'T HANDLE THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
gue capek.. jadi ini ya yang dirasain orang2 yang diambang keterbatasan dan gak ngerti masalahnya mereka yang mutusin gitu aja.. tapi gue gak mau.. gue pikir ini udah kelewat batas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh GOD.. help me